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Sebastian Bugs
by Aliya Whiteley

Sebastian bugs me. Sebastian fucking bugs me just by breathing, he’s so fucking perfect. On the first day of the school holiday he was upstairs in his bedroom reading a book on Edward II. He told Mummy he wanted to get a head start on next year’s curriculum. She smiled at him and then gave me that look – the one that means, ‘Why can’t you be more like your twin?’ I wanted to stab her through the throat with my knife, still covered in jam, so she died, gurgling, with my toast crumbs and jam smears all over the pressed collar of her Chanel jacket. That would have fucking taught the fucking sanctimonious bitch.


We started going to William’s every day. Mummy said she was concerned that Sebastian wasn’t getting enough fresh air, but since she drove us there in the Landrover and we stayed in every day that’s a fucking lie. What that whore actually wanted was for us to network with William because his Papa works for the PM.
    I wanted to go mountain biking but Sebastian and William always locked themselves away in the bedroom and I ended up playing the PS2 or trying it on with William’s sister.
    She’s called Alexa and she’s older than me but if you don’t ask you don’t fucking get, know what I mean? I didn’t get very far; didn’t even touch her tits. William told me she’s frigid. At least, he’s never seen her cop off with anyone and he went through her drawers but couldn’t find a vibrator or the pill or anything. That was the only thing William said to me over the hols; he was always too busy wanking over Sebbie.
    They thought I didn’t get it, but I did so get it, I mean, what am I, a child? I was twelve last August and Sebbie is only older by thirty-two minutes and that hardly makes him a proper older brother even though he tries to act so superior.
    And he’s not just William’s butt boy – he gives all the boys the eye and some of the masters too. That’s why he’s the most popular boy at school, I reckon. And I suspect he might even be copping off with Dr Macauley. He’s always staying behind after Latin, and Dr Macauley sent a letter home telling Mummy Sebbie has a ‘natural flair’ for Latin and should take it next year as an extra. Mummy said it was a dead language and he’d be better off putting his abilities to use learning Japanese instead. Mr Tanayake, the Oriental Languages master, is definitely not interested in Sebastian’s arse – he’s got a wife and everything – and so Sebbie threw a sissy strop like you wouldn’t believe but it did no good. On some things, Mummy is an absolute fascist and a deeply fucking scary person.
    Anyway, Sebastian and William locked themselves away and snogged, or worse, all day every day and it was really bloody well doing my head in. Alexa was pissed off too. She said she was told by her Papa that she had to stay in the house to look after us, which hacked me off no end because I don’t need no bitch babysitting me, but I didn’t complain because that meant Alexa decided to help me get them out of that room. She’s knew the combination to the safe behind the Modigliani where her Papa kept the spare keys and we made a top secret plan to burst in on them and catch them at it. I thought maybe then Sebbie would realise that being a homo is not so fucking bling and would want to come mountain biking instead.


The only thing that will burn that image out is sticking a red hot fucking poker through my ear and into my brain. I mean, puke! Every time I close my eyes I see it again, like when I’ve played some dooky little platform game on the PS2 for too long.
    William had his hand in Sebastian’s pants. He pulled it out pretty quick when Alexa and I burst in, but he was definitely copping a feel. Alexa saw it too – she froze and waited until Sebbie had done up his trousers before saying, ‘I’m telling Papa.’ Okay, that sounds a bit lame, but it was more the way she said it, all low and threatening. I was standing behind her so I didn’t see her face but I could tell she meant it. Then she turned and walked out.
    I didn’t want to be left alone with those two homos, but I couldn’t follow Alexa in case I looked like I needed to be told what to do by any old piece of pussy, so I stood my ground and tried hard to think of something to say. I decided to ask Sebbie if he wanted to come mountain biking, just to gloss over the whole affair and move on, know what I mean, when he came and stood really close to me.
    He said, ‘You won’t tell Mummy, will you?’
    He looked like such a complete dook. I mean, I was prepared to forgive and forget and everything, but he was being such a homo gimp. I just couldn’t let him get away with it.
    So I said, ‘She’s going to fucking kill you, Sebbie,’ in a really high and mighty voice, and that wanker fell for it. He started pleading with me, right there, in front of his boyfriend. He has no shame.
    So I’m going to let him sweat it for a couple of days. He deserves that much for being an arse bandit. Then I’ll tell him I won’t let on as long as he goes mountain biking with me once a week. That sounds fair.


I climbed the stairs to Sebastian’s room the day before we were due to go back to school and he was sitting on the window, his legs dangling over the ledge, his neck turned right round so he could stare at me. He was leaning forward, hunched over. He looked like a fucking retard.
    I said, ‘What’s up with you, ya homo?’
    Sebbie opened his mouth and this weird sigh came out, all long and slow, and then he leaned forward so he was barely keeping his balance. I could see his long fingernails were striped red and white where he was digging them into the window sill.
    He said something like, ‘I’m doing it, I’m ending it now,’ and I just went fucking crazy. I seriously thought that was it. I mean, I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t think of anything but Sebbie splattered all over Mummy’s Cornish granite flagstones and oak patio set. He had me so shit scared; I would have said anything to get him to come back inside.
    'What are you doing? Seb, you're freaking me out, ok? Seb? Get back in here, ok? Seb? Listen - I won't tell anyone. I wasn't going to tell anyone. I promise, cross my heart and hope to... Come on, please, please...'
    'You're not going to tell anyone?'
    'Not ever, I swear. I was just jealous, okay? That's all. I don't want you to jump, Sebbie. I'd be really lonely without you. I just wanted you to play with me, that's all, I never meant anything bad to happen, I, I, I love you, okay? Don't do it. don't leave me alone.'
    Jesus Fucking Christ, I even blubbed.
    And then he got down from the window ledge and sat on his bed, cross legged, picking the soles of his Nikes. He was really calm, much calmer than me. He didn't say anthing. After a while I left him to it and went mountain biking for a bit, but its no fun on your own.
    Then comes the bit that really fucking irritates me.
    When Mummy came home from work she asked me where Sebbie was. I said he’d been in all day, and she got that look on her face again – the one that means, ‘Why don’t you make more of an effort to entertain your twin?’ – and went upstairs to his room.
    She was up there for hours. Robot Wars finished and I was starving, but I didn’t dare go up there.
    When she came back downstairs she sat down on the settee and patted the seat next to her. Then she put an arm around my shoulders and said, ‘I have something important to tell you. Sebastian has just told me that he’s a homosexual. Would you like me to explain what that means?’
    So Mummy’s all made up about the fact that Sebastian has bravely declared his allegiance to a minority group, and not only that, but he’s become best butt buddies with William, who’s Papa works for the PM.
    All I can think about was how I had cried like a girl for Sebastian, how I had let him see me that way so he wouldn’t jump. I don’t know what I was thinking of. I wish he had fucking jumped, and ended up a pile of bright red guts over Mummy’s precious patio, and that she had found him and screamed and screamed and screamed and I would have laughed, I swear to fucking God, I would have laughed.


So that’s why I’m really made up to be back at school, how sad is that? But at least here we can go mountain biking together at the weekends. I mean, I know you’re Sebbie’s friend too, but now you know he’s a fudge packer you’d rather hang out with me, right?


Look, I’m really fucking sorry, okay? Don’t hit me any more. Jesus, I can’t breathe through my nose and I’ve bled all over my best tie. Fuck. I’ve already said I’m sorry about fifteen times… okay, okay. I am really really really sorry and I eat my own shit and take baths in my own piss. Satisfied?
    How was I to know you’d be with Sebastian and Macauley in their private tutorial? I thought the Head would just catch them at it, and then William would dump Sebbie and I’d have someone to go biking with. I thought it was just a one on one thing.
    Anyway, its not like its turned out so fucking wonderfully for me either, you know. The Head has sacked Macauley, so now we get double Oriental Languages instead of Latin, and Sebbie is so pissed off that he refuses to talk to me, let alone come out biking. The rest of the school won’t talk to me either. You’re the first one to speak to me in days.
    Sebbie’s just so good at bloody everything. The only things I can do better than him are swearing and upsetting Mummy.
    But you know, deep down, the truth is, I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want to be sensitive and caring and brainy and loved by everyone. I just want one friend, not for snogging and stuff because I like girls, but just to do things with, like play PS2 or practice rugger.
    Hey, I don’t suppose you want to go out mountain b...
    I’ll take that as a no.
    Fucking hell, Sebastian bugs.

About the author:
Aliya Whiteley was born in the UK and currently lives in Germany. Her first novel, 'Mean Mode Median' is available at Links to other short stories and an online journal can be found at

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