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Drafts
by Michael Dean Anthony

1
I found your language vivid, employing unusual but effective similes. I am thinking of the dark Hershey's chocolate syrup. The studio scenes are particularly vivid. Because of the use of the words spotty, flood, dribbles and drops, I thought you were making oblique reference to menstruation and that the story might proceed as a metaphor for the menstrual cycle. It didn't.

The name Danvers is evocative of Rebecca, particularly the film version, but I wasn't sure you were referencing that. Something about the studio scene in your story does match the sideways sensuality of the underwear scene between Mrs. Danvers and Mrs. de Winter in that classic film, but I had no sense you were aware of such a connection.

I don't think I've read the term "mons pubis" in anything but an anatomy textbook. Your imagery is as cinematically vivid as it is gratuitously unpleasant. I do think the way you transition from action to fantasy is smooth if not entirely believable or comprehensible.

You spell gray with an e instead of an a, which is the British spelling. You also refer to your character Bonnie as a relative of Barbara Stanwick, which is actually spelled with a y instead of an i—Stanwyck. Your character shares the same surname, but Stanwyck was actually a stage name. Barbara Stanwyck's real name was Ruby Stevens. You referred to Stanwyck as having been a Zigfried girl; it was actually the Ziegfeld Follies. I'd hoped these changes in historical detail were deliberate and Bonnie was trying to deceive Albert. I was disappointed. I didn't see any indication of this.

If you intended your character to have some genuine relationship to Stanwyck, you might have come up with some other way. I recommend you do some research (google, maybe?) to confirm the things you think you know. I'll bet you'll find you're often mistaken.

Brava on some excellent, evocative prose!

2
I found your language vivid, employing unusual but effective similes. I am thinking of the dark Hershey's chocolate syrup. The studio scenes are particularly vivid. Because of the use of the words spotty, flood, dribbles and drops, I thought you were making oblique reference to menstruation and that the story might proceed as a metaphor for the menstrual cycle. You may want to consider this in any revision.

The name Danvers is evocative of Rebecca, particularly the film version, but I wasn't sure you were referencing that. Something about the studio scene in your story does match the sideways sensuality of the underwear scene between Mrs. Danvers and Mrs. de Winter in that classic film. This relates well to your Hollywood references.

I don't think I've read the term "mons pubis" in anything but an anatomy textbook. Your imagery is cinematically vivid. I do think the way you transition from action to fantasy is smooth if not entirely believable or comprehensible.

You spell gray with an e instead of an a, which is the British spelling. You also refer to your character Bonnie as a relative of Barbara Stanwick, which is actually spelled with a y instead of an i—Stanwyck. Your character shares the same surname, but Stanwyck was actually a stage name. Barbara Stanwyck's real name was Ruby Stevens. You referred to Stanwyck as having been a Zigfried girl; it was actually the Ziegfeld Follies. I'd hoped these changes in historical detail were deliberate and Bonnie was trying to deceive Albert.

I recommend you do some research to confirm the things you think you know. Sometimes I find I am off the mark.

Brava on some excellent, evocative prose!

3
I found your language vivid, employing effective similes. I am thinking of the dark Hershey's chocolate syrup. The studio scenes are particularly vivid.

The name Danvers is evocative of Rebecca. Something about the studio scene in your story does match the sideways sensuality of the underwear scene between Mrs. Danvers and Mrs. de Winter in that classic film. This relates to your Hollywood theme.

Your imagery is cinematically vivid. I think the way you transition from action to fantasy is smooth.

I was aware of some typographical and spelling errors, as well as some historical inaccuracies. I recommend you do some research to confirm some of your assumptions.

4
I found your language vivid, employing effective similes (like the dark Hershey's chocolate syrup).

Your imagery is cinematically vivid.
Watch out for typos and be sure to research your historical references.
Good work.



About the author:
Michael Dean Anthony, a perpetual writing student, has been working on a couple of novels for a very long time. He has counseled and advocated for people with autism, chronic mental illness and other disabilities for the past decade. He lives in the Pacific Northwest surrounded by cats. This is his first published work.

Michael's email is michaeldeananthony@gmail.com.

He maintains the blog "Anthonym" on livejournal at http://dionysian06.livejournal.com/



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Midnight Picnic
a novel by
Nick Antosca

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The Suburban Swindle


More about The Suburban Swindle
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