AGE 5: POLICEMAN
The man robbed a bank so we shot him and always carry a gun.
AGE 5-1/2: VETERINARIAN
The dog was sick. We listened to his heart. I said don't be sick and gave him pills. I saw a monkey and made him better too.
AGE 5-3/4: ASTRONAUT
Walking on the moon is fun because we bounce up and down like a ball and the moon people are your friends.
AGE 15: LAWYER
In summation, your honor and ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client -- supermodel Summer Delight -- couldn't possibly have murdered her husband, industrialist I.M. Butthead. The "deceased" in question is, in fact, not dead. He's in this very courtroom. Or should I say, SHE is with us today. DNA tests will prove beyond reasonable doubt that the "deceased" in question underwent a sex-change operation, part of an elaborate scheme to frame my client. The "deceased" is alive and well -- though looking pretty freaky, if it pleases the court -- as prosecution star witness Hotcha Momma! Now if you'll excuse me, my foxy client and I have a plane to catch for Acapulco.
AGE 16: ROCK STAR
"What's with the poster?" I asked Steve Lotion, our manager, the night of the show. "Our name's not there."
His eyes bulged, knees knocked. He wrung his hands and made whimpering noises.
Steve scrawled almost illegibly in Magic Marker: "LEGAL HI." Our name was actually LEGAL HIGH, which was all drugged-out and cool. Steve was a bad speller. But that kind of thing worked for the Beatles and Led Zep, so it was good enough for us.
AGE 21: INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER
During my shift, which ran from 5 until the late edition rolled after midnight, I usually found time to sneak a bite at the dive down the street. I ordered turkey and rice with coffee. The coffee came out first, and I hate when that happens, because I always finish it before the food's ready and then I have to order a second cup. Restaurants plan it that way.
Back at my keyboard, I worked on a piece for the Science Tuesday section about computers emitting dangerous radiation. I put my feet up on my desk, struck a pose of thoughtful disdain (as I imagined Bob Woodward and other famous journalists did all the time) and leafed through some press releases from the American Red Cross.
I pecked away at my computer. Heat sizzled off the screen. I ran a hand through my hair, stared into my palm and blew gossamer strands across the bar. "Gossamer strands." I'd have to remember that for a Sunday feature.
AGE 28: CONSTRUCTION BOSS
The bulldozer was beached like a whale in the mud. The hardhats lug beams, sacks of material, heavy tools for building. They grouse about having to work in the rain.
I sat at my desk in the trailer and stared straight ahead, tapping my fingers against the hard plastic shell of the laptop computer I never turned on. The rain pounded harder.
Two hardhats waive as they trudged through the muck. I leaned back and cracked my knuckled. The space heater hissed and moaned.
I vaguely recalled a visit by my cousin when we were both about 6 years old. She broke my rocking horse and I wailed on her knees with a Whiffle-Ball bat.
The hardhats wrestled in the mud. I cracked open a window and bellowed: "Quit horsing around!"
The rain rang like rounds from a gun.
AGE 31: BILLIONAIRE/PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES/PORN STAR
If I were any of those things, I wouldn't waste time writing about it. If I were all of them simultaneously, Kitty Kelley would write about it for me.
AGE 32 ADDENDUM: Celebrity Biographer.
AGE 33: HOLLYWOOD SCREENWRITER
FADE IN:
CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAY
Our hero tramps through the mud, eyes darting left to right.
CLOSE UP: Darting eyes.
WIDE ANGLE: Techno beats come boom on the soundtrack as we SEGUE into a SLOW-MOTION MONTAGE SEQUENCE of gunplay, car chases and lovemaking.
EXTREME UP-NOSE CLOSE UP: CAMEO BY MOBY
SLOW-MO DISSOLVE TO:
BARROOM - NIGHT
Our hero plays darts.
ZOOM IN TO EXTREME CLOSE-UP:
His eyes, darting from left to right, as we hear, O.C., the thwack! thwack! thwack! of darts hitting home.
PULL BACK TO SUPER-WIDE REVERSE ANGLE, ZOOM IN TO EXTREME CLOSE-UP:
The dartboard. It doesn't have a single dart in it.
REVERSE ANGLE PULL BACK TO CRANE SHOT:
Our hero stands tall amid groaning fallen bar patrons, each with a dark stuck in his or her forehead.
OUR HERO (shrugs): I hate when that happens!
Everybody on the floor with darts in his or her heads laughs.
PULL BACK TO ULTRA-WIDE DIGITZED ANGLE ON ENTIRE KNOWN UNIVERSE
MOBY THEMESONG
DR PEPPER PRODUT PLACEMENT
BLOOPER REEL
-FIN-
AGE 34: MARINE BIOLOGIST
This is something nobody really wants to be. But many consider it briefly, in a vague way, before moving on to something else.
AGE 35: ABSTRACT DIGITAL ARTIST/POET
1111111111110000000000000000000
11111111111110101010111111111111
00000000000000000110100101010010
10011111110000001010101100110111
11111110000000000000011111111111
11111111111000000000000000000111
11111111111111111111110000000000
10101000101001011111100001110000
00000000000000000000000100101101
01010101101010111110000011111111
111111111111111100000111111111111
AGE 36: WEB MOGUL
$1111111111100000000000000000001
11111111111101010101111111111110
00000000000000001101001010100101
00111111100000010101011001101111
11111100000000000000111111111111
11111111110000000000000000001111
11111111111111111111100000000001
01010001010010111111000011100000
00000000000000000000001001011010
10101011010101111100000111111111
11111111111111100000111111111111
AGE 37: WEB 2.0 MOGUL
#1111111111100000000000000000001
11111111111101010101111111111110
00000000000000001101001010100101
00111111100000010101011001101111
11111100000000000000111111111111
11111111110000000000000000001111
11111111111111111111100000000001
01010001010010111111000011100000
00000000000000000000001001011010
10101011010101111100000111111111
11111111111111100000111111111111
AGE 39: POLICEMAN
The dog robbed a bank so we shot him and always carry a ball.
AGE 39 1/2: VETERINARIAN
The moon was sick. We listened to his monkey. I said don't be sick and gave him friends. I saw moon people and made them guns too.
AGE 40: ASTRONAUT
Walking on the bank is fun because we bounce up and down like dogs and hearts are your friends.
About the author:
David Gianatasio's short story collection Mind Games is available from Word Riot Press.
© 2011 Word Riot
