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So Really, Why Not?
by Nancy A. Henry

I am a man. If I am confused I go to my cave till I
have figured things out then I re-emerge. The snail is
sort of my animal familiar, being both secretive and
wary. I like sex, romance, computers, classical
music, concerts, ballet, opera, theatre, movies,
dinner and fine wine, museums, libraries, books, the
blues, blue jeans, blue grass, the blue man group, the
outdoors, forests, woods, oak trees, bamboo gardens,
palm trees, ferns, mosses, beaches, beach combing,
golf, racquet ball, miniature golf, snorkeling, scuba
diving, surfing, ping pong, deep sea fishing,
traveling to exotic places and riding a Harley on a
July night with my woman's arms around me real tight.
I'm dressed in silk boxers and no helmet. I am very
prolific, as you can see. My full nights shudder with
beauty. O and I have decided that ketchup is not a
good substitute for lemonade. My thumbs are often
blackened by graphite because I like to draw horses
with wings and dragons with huge scaly fins and things
we aren't sure of that live in the magma deep beneath
the surface of the earth. I draw my prayers on fine
linen paper and my prayers turn into wise angels and
gray heaven dances. You have worked your way to this
ad by many a strange and twisted path, you are in
transit even as you read this, your purchase of this
paper a link in a chain of simple, dazzling choices
that will never be exactly replicated. Nobody could
have predicted this bewildering sequence of events
that lead you here. FAITH OR DESTINY?..Who knows? I
am waiting for you, because you have a killer smile, a
marshmallow heart, and are highly sexual yet not
materialistic. I am the life-changing person you are
waiting for, seeking a woman with a deep and calm
edge. One who is sometimes like a custard and
sometimes more like a flowing liquid. She can be red
or green or any other color commonly associated with
the holiday season. I believe in The 7 P's: provide,
protect, please, pleasure, perform, prolong, and
pamper my woman. I am seeking a long-term committed
relationship with a single female, intelligent,
proportionate weight, attractive, sensual,
adventurous, someone who wants to share a committed
life and grow old together. Unless you are old
already. Then we can grow older together, decline,
die, decay, share the fate of this fallen world as
the worms eat our bodies and the microscopic creatures
turn us into food for trees until the whole lot of it
is blown back to the stars. If you are equally
comfortable in the mud and in the theater, like being
pampered, treated like a princess, brought to multiple
orgasm so many times you pass out on my waterbed,
still in your boots; if you love computers, hot tubs,
steam baths, saunas, spas, giving and getting massage,
flowers, cooking and making ice sculptures with dental
tools why let a lucky break pass you by through an
unwillingness to take this one chance? Why have
another near miss yet again? Will you let a potential
destiny partner vanish over the horizon? At this very
moment you can change your future and mine by
responding to this ad. If will live a life
that most people live--a life of quiet desperation
instead a cool life with me.

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Midnight Picnic
a novel by
Nick Antosca


The Suburban Swindle

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