WWCND by Steve Himmer

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn’t sit at the table alone in the dark until he’s eaten all his vegetables, even the beets which make always make him throw up but his mother serves anyway. His vegetables eat themselves because they know his teeth will hurt more.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wait all afternoon on his tenth birthday for his father to come home, and he doesn’t fall asleep on the doormat. His father doesn’t step over him in the middle of the night and go to bed without waking Chuck Norris up.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Bullies don’t steal Chuck Norris’ lunch money. They buy him lunch and serve it on silver, and bake him homemade desserts.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as giraffes.

Chuck Norris doesn’t fail algebra. He lets X always equal Chuck Norris, and Y because he said so.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear headgear and braces and look like a dork. Kids in school don’t call him a robot. Chuck Norris really is a robot and blows those kids up with a missile across the cafeteria.

They once made Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris isn’t stood up for the prom. His date doesn’t show because she knows she’s not woman enough for his love. She didn’t agree to go with him as a joke the whole school was in on, and she definitely doesn’t arrive with a different guy like she’d planned to do all along. Chuck Norris doesn’t stay home and play Atari games in his basement.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris leaves no man behind. Not in a Vietnamese POW camp, and not across town late at night when some girls want a ride after a party so someone has to give up their seat and walk home.

Chuck Norris doesn’t sit up all night watching Chuck Norris movies, hoping when he finally sleeps he’ll dream of being Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to.

Chuck Norris hasn’t gained weight. He is slowly expanding like a new universe. His hair is withdrawing into his head because no place is safer than inside Chuck Norris’ head.

Chuck Norris’ wife didn’t sleep with his best friend for years and keep it a secret. He knew all along but was too busy kicking ass to say so. He doesn’t bother reading her Dear John letter because his name is Chuck Norris, not John.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have children, and if he did they wouldn’t hate him and call him names in front of their friends, and they absolutely wouldn’t turn their backs and make phone calls when he was talking to them. They wouldn’t give him the finger for Father’s Day.

Chuck Norris didn’t train three assistants only to watch them get promoted and become his boss. Three times.

Chuck Norris doesn’t dream every night that no one shows up for his funeral.

Chuck Norris doesn’t park his car on the bridge on the way home from work every day except Tuesday when he works late because no one else will. He doesn’t get out and stare down at the water while car after car passes by without stopping. Chuck Norris doesn’t notice that no one asks if he’s okay, not even police cars and fire trucks and his best friend who pretends not to see him on the bridge. Chuck Norris doesn’t stand there for hours before driving home. Chuck Norris already jumped because once he decides to do something it’s already done.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

Note: Some lines in this story are taken from http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

About the author:

Steve Himmer’s novel, The Bee-Loud Glade, is forthcoming in 2011, and his short fiction appears in various places. He teaches at Emerson College, and edits the webjournal Necessary Fiction.

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